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The 11 Greatest Threats To Humanity
Why People Cheat on Their Partners | Esther Perel
We all know what infidelity is, but a universal definition is difficult to carve out—especially in the digital age. Is watching porn cheating, or is it only cheating if the person on the other side of the screen is live? Each scenario is subjective, but psychotherapist Esther Perel crystalizes the three elements that lie at the heart of all cheating: secrecy, sexual alchemy, and emotion—even if the person don't think so. Cheating is typically interpreted as a symptom of a bad relationship or of something lacking in a partner, however one of the biggest revelations for Perel in researching her latest book, The State of Affairs, was that happy people also stray. Even people in satisfying relationships find themselves crossing the line they never thought they would. So what gives? "They often stray not because they want to find another person but because they want to reconnect with a different version of themselves," she says. "It isn’t so much that they want to leave the person that they are with as much as sometimes they want to leave the person that they have themselves become." Esther Perel is the author of The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity. See more at estherperel.com.

Read more at BigThink.com: http://bigthink.com/videos/esther-perel-why-people-cheat-the-psychology-of-infidelity

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Transcript: So I wrote a book in which I wanted not only to look at infidelity from the point of view of the impact and the consequences but also from the point of view of the meanings and the motives.

Why do people do this? Why do people who often have been faithful for decades one day cross the line they never thought they would cross? What’s at stake? How do we make sense of this? How do we grow from that? Can it ever become an opportunity? Can a couple ever glean something that ultimately may strengthen it, rather than only seeing it from the point of view of the cataclysm?

To write a book where I try to understand infidelity doesn’t mean that I’m justifying it. And when one doesn’t condemn it, it doesn’t mean that one is condoning it. But this experience affects so many people. I have worked with hundreds, thousands of people who have been shattered by the experience of infidelity. And I thought there needs to be a better way that is more caring and more compassionate for the crisis that so many people face.

So at the heart of affairs, what is infidelity? That is the question people often ask me. How do I define it? And interestingly there is no universally agreed upon definition of infidelity. And, in fact, the definition keeps on expanding with the advent of the digital. What is it? Is it staying secretly active on your dating apps? Is it watching porn, but not when the other person is live? Is it massage with happy endings? Where is the line? It’s never been easier to cheat, and it’s never been more difficult to keep a secret. So this diffuseness is very much at the heart of trying to define it. But there are three elements that are always present. And the more important one, the constitutive element of an affair, is the fact that it is organized around a secret. The structure of infidelity is its secrecy. That is why it is such a major difference from the conversation about monogamy or consensual non-monogamy. Those are two separate realities.
So an affair is organized around the structured element called secret. The second element is that there is a sexual aura, an alchemy. Not necessarily the presence of sex itself; it’s not the bodily experiences, it’s the energy much more than the performance. And three, that there is an emotional involvement to one degree or another—from a deep love affair to even a transaction in which one pays for the other person to leave. But there is always a meaning to it. That is what I call the emotional involvement. Even when you try to make something mean nothing, it means a lot.

Our current model of thinking says if you have found “the one and only” it means that you’re willing to forego everything else for that person and you no longer miss anything else. If you have everything you need there is no need to go looking elsewhere. If you have gone to look elsewhere there must be something missing—either there’s something missing in you or in your relationship.

We are very wedded today to looking at infidelity and transgressions from a symptom perspective. It’s the symptom model. "There must be something wrong.” But I often was thinking that millions of people can’t all be pathological. So if it is not the case that it is always a symptom, what is it? And one of the great discoveries and surprises in my research for 'The State of Affairs' was to notice that people would come and say, “I love my partner; I’m having an affair.”
2018-08-13



TWiT Netcast Network
2018-08-13 21:57
Fortnite Samsung Exclusive (with live commentary)
Fortnite Samsung Exclusive (with live commentary)
CNET TV
2018-08-13 20:13
Election hacks and what it means for 2018 (The 3:59, Ep. 441)
Election hacks and what it means for 2018 (The 3:59, Ep. 441)
Tested
2018-08-13 19:46
3D-Printing a NASA ACES Helmet for Adam Savage!
3D-Printing a NASA ACES Helmet for Adam Savage!
TEDTalks
2018-08-13 17:43
The mission to create a searchable database of Earth's surface | Will Marshall
The mission to create a searchable database of Earth's surface | Will Marshall
Big Think
2018-08-13 17:00
The genius behind creating totally impractical things | David Eagleman
The genius behind creating totally impractical things | David Eagleman
Veritasium
2018-08-13 16:40
Can You Overdose on Vitamins?
Can You Overdose on Vitamins?
The Verge
2018-08-13 15:02
The future of renewable energy is making it look cool
The future of renewable energy is making it look cool
Linus Tech Tips
2018-08-13 15:00
The Workstation of the Future is HERE! - Threadripper 2nd Gen
The Workstation of the Future is HERE! - Threadripper 2nd Gen
BigcLiveDotCom
2018-08-13 14:51
Edinburgh channel meet-up for technical chat.
Edinburgh channel meet-up for technical chat.
Numberphile
2018-08-13 14:23
5-Sided Square - Numberphile
5-Sided Square - Numberphile
Ben Krasnow
2018-08-13 05:15
Engineering magnetics -- practical introduction to BH curve
Engineering magnetics -- practical introduction to BH curve
2018-08-12
Sci Show
2018-08-12 23:00
5 Devastating Security Flaws You've Never Heard Of
5 Devastating Security Flaws You've Never Heard Of
BigcLiveDotCom
2018-08-12 21:30
Inside a G9 COB lamp from Poundworld.
Inside a G9 COB lamp from Poundworld.
Wranglestar
2018-08-12 19:15
YOUTUBE SENT ME A MYSTERIOUS PACKAGE......
YOUTUBE SENT ME A MYSTERIOUS PACKAGE......
PC Hardware and Software Reviews
2018-08-12 18:39
?960GB 2.5” SSD - Kingston UV500 Review
?960GB 2.5” SSD - Kingston UV500 Review
CNET TV
2018-08-12 17:56
NASA's Parker Solar Probe launches on its way to
NASA's Parker Solar Probe launches on its way to "touch" the Sun (CNET News)
TEDTalks
2018-08-12 17:22
"The Last Serenade" | Lili Haydn
Grant Thompson - "The King of Random"
2018-08-12 17:00
Melting Our Silver Play Button Before 10 Million
Melting Our Silver Play Button Before 10 Million
GreatScott
2018-08-12 16:57
DIY Plasma Arc Speaker
DIY Plasma Arc Speaker
Tested
2018-08-12 16:00
PROJECTIONS, Episode 56: Pixel Ripped 1989 and Star Trek Bridge Crew TNG
PROJECTIONS, Episode 56: Pixel Ripped 1989 and Star Trek Bridge Crew TNG
Big Think
2018-08-12 16:00
How to become more well-connected | Jared Kleinert
How to become more well-connected | Jared Kleinert
NASA Television
2018-08-12 10:50
Parker Solar Probe Mission Launches to Touch the Sun
Parker Solar Probe Mission Launches to Touch the Sun
TWiT Netcast Network
2018-08-12 04:54
100
100" 4K Smart Laser TV from Hisense
MrTeslonian
2018-08-12 00:59
Showing the power of a little
Showing the power of a little "PULSE JET ENGINE", as it moves a pile of wood with ease!
Electronics Engineering
2018-08-12 00:54
EEVblog #1114 - NEW TS80 USB Soldering Iron Review
EEVblog #1114 - NEW TS80 USB Soldering Iron Review
2018-08-11



Sci Show
2018-08-11 23:00
How Do Polarized Sunglasses Work?
How Do Polarized Sunglasses Work?
Linus Tech Tips
2018-08-11 21:02
Scrapyard Wars 7 FINALE - NO INTERNET
Scrapyard Wars 7 FINALE - NO INTERNET
Austin Evans
2018-08-11 17:29
The Most Unique Laptops You Can Buy...
The Most Unique Laptops You Can Buy...
Grant Thompson - "The King of Random"
2018-08-11 17:00
Finishing the Arm-Mounted Flame Thrower (Mad Scientist Design)
Finishing the Arm-Mounted Flame Thrower (Mad Scientist Design)
Big Think
2018-08-11 16:00
Eternal youth may be possible. Which age would you stay at forever? | Michio Kaku
Eternal youth may be possible. Which age would you stay at forever? | Michio Kaku
TEDTalks
2018-08-11 15:01
An honest look at the personal finance crisis | Elizabeth White
An honest look at the personal finance crisis | Elizabeth White
NASA Television
2018-08-11 11:48
Humanity’s first mission to touch the Sun on This Week @NASA – August 11, 2018
Humanity’s first mission to touch the Sun on This Week @NASA – August 11, 2018
CNET TV
2018-08-11 07:24
Samsung's Note 9 and Apple's 12 zeroes (CNET UK podcast 542)
Samsung's Note 9 and Apple's 12 zeroes (CNET UK podcast 542)
AvE
2018-08-11 05:30
BOLTR: Bosch Drum Sander | Undercarriage Abrasion
BOLTR: Bosch Drum Sander | Undercarriage Abrasion
TWiT Netcast Network
2018-08-11 04:25
Sal Soghoian: Standing up to Steve Jobs
Sal Soghoian: Standing up to Steve Jobs
Linus Tech Tips
2018-08-11 03:46
DISCORD SELLING GAMES?? - WAN Show August 10, 2018
DISCORD SELLING GAMES?? - WAN Show August 10, 2018
Cody´s Lab
2018-08-11 02:25
The Chlorine Machine
The Chlorine Machine
2018-08-10
Sci Show
2018-08-10 23:00
Why Florida's Red Tide Is Killing So Many Animals | SciShow News
Why Florida's Red Tide Is Killing So Many Animals | SciShow News
The Khan Academy
2018-08-10 20:53
Permutations and factorial
Permutations and factorial
The Khan Academy
2018-08-10 19:30
LearnStorm Growth Mindset: Dave Paunesku introduces growth mindset
LearnStorm Growth Mindset: Dave Paunesku introduces growth mindset
The Khan Academy
2018-08-10 19:29
LearnStorm Growth Mindset: Dave Paunesku on teacher modeling of growth mindset
LearnStorm Growth Mindset: Dave Paunesku on teacher modeling of growth mindset
Wranglestar
2018-08-10 18:46
I've Never Seen Anyone So Scared...
I've Never Seen Anyone So Scared...
Steve Ramsey
2018-08-10 18:22
Oops! Don't start over: fixing plywood dado cuts
Oops! Don't start over: fixing plywood dado cuts
Grant Thompson - "The King of Random"
2018-08-10 17:00
Custom Flame Thrower Ignition Switch
Custom Flame Thrower Ignition Switch
The Royal Institution
2018-08-10 16:00
The Mathematics of Locomotion - Christmas Lectures with Ian Stewart
The Mathematics of Locomotion - Christmas Lectures with Ian Stewart
Tested
2018-08-10 16:00
Awesome Animated LEGO Sculpture!
Awesome Animated LEGO Sculpture!
The Verge
2018-08-10 15:00
I tried living on Mars — in Hawaii
I tried living on Mars — in Hawaii
CNET TV
2018-08-10 13:03
Acer Swift 7 first look: 'The world's thinnest laptop,' Acer reckons
Acer Swift 7 first look: 'The world's thinnest laptop,' Acer reckons
Linus Tech Tips
2018-08-10 04:32
Worst Day Ever.
Worst Day Ever.
TWiT Netcast Network
2018-08-10 04:26
Secure Your Home Assistants
Secure Your Home Assistants
MindYourDecisions
2018-08-10 00:33
The MEANEST Test Question Ever?
The MEANEST Test Question Ever?
2018-08-09
Sci Show
2018-08-09 23:00
Why Scientists are Giving Robots Human Muscles
Why Scientists are Giving Robots Human Muscles
The Verge
2018-08-09 20:54
Samsung Galaxy Home smart speaker with Bixby: first look
Samsung Galaxy Home smart speaker with Bixby: first look
The Verge
2018-08-09 20:20
Samsung Galaxy Watch hands-on
Samsung Galaxy Watch hands-on
Computerphile
2018-08-09 20:00
How Software Deals with Key Presses - Computerphile
How Software Deals with Key Presses - Computerphile
Android Authority
2018-08-09 19:33
Samsung Galaxy Note 9 vs Galaxy Note 8: Worth The Upgrade?
Samsung Galaxy Note 9 vs Galaxy Note 8: Worth The Upgrade?
NASA Television
2018-08-09 18:47
NASA | Parker Solar Probe: It's Surprisingly Hard to Go to the Sun
NASA | Parker Solar Probe: It's Surprisingly Hard to Go to the Sun
Wranglestar
2018-08-09 18:46
We Were Forced To Leave The Homestead
We Were Forced To Leave The Homestead
TEDTalks
2018-08-09 17:38
A new way to monitor vital signs (that can see through walls) | Dina Katabi
A new way to monitor vital signs (that can see through walls) | Dina Katabi
Marques Brownlee
2018-08-09 17:30
Samsung Galaxy Note 9 Impressions: Underrated!
Samsung Galaxy Note 9 Impressions: Underrated!
Android Authority
2018-08-09 17:30
Samsung Galaxy Note 9 Hands-on: Bigger, Better, and Even More Expensive
Samsung Galaxy Note 9 Hands-on: Bigger, Better, and Even More Expensive
Big Think
2018-08-09 17:00
Is war with China inevitable? | David Kang
Is war with China inevitable? | David Kang
I Like To Make Stuff
2018-08-09 17:00
How to make a Simple Fire Pit & Tie Fighter Grill
How to make a Simple Fire Pit & Tie Fighter Grill
Grant Thompson - "The King of Random"
2018-08-09 17:00
Liquid Propane and TASER Powered Ignition
Liquid Propane and TASER Powered Ignition
Physics Woman
2018-08-09 15:48
The Projector Illusion |  EVERYDAY MYSTERIES
The Projector Illusion | EVERYDAY MYSTERIES
Tested
2018-08-09 09:00
Make It So - This is Only a Test 461 - 8/9/18
Make It So - This is Only a Test 461 - 8/9/18
TWiT Netcast Network
2018-08-09 04:01
Could Google Go Back to China?
Could Google Go Back to China?
CNET TV
2018-08-09 02:02
Meet Vector, the tiny home robot
Meet Vector, the tiny home robot
AvE
2018-08-09 01:06
BOLTR: Blasting Machine | Cool Old Gear
BOLTR: Blasting Machine | Cool Old Gear
Sci Show
2018-08-09 00:04
How U.S. Airports Might Revamp Security... Using Game Theory
How U.S. Airports Might Revamp Security... Using Game Theory
2018-08-08
Stanford University
2018-08-08 21:22
Knight-Hennessy Scholars Admission Process
Knight-Hennessy Scholars Admission Process
Linus Tech Tips
2018-08-08 21:09
Touchbar Killer for Windows?
Touchbar Killer for Windows?
BigcLiveDotCom
2018-08-08 21:07
Airwick mist ultrasonic aroma atomiser.
Airwick mist ultrasonic aroma atomiser.
MAKE Magazine
2018-08-08 19:00
Maker Update: Spider Clock
Maker Update: Spider Clock
NASA Goddard
2018-08-08 17:23
It's Surprisingly Hard to Go to the Sun
It's Surprisingly Hard to Go to the Sun
TEDTalks
2018-08-08 17:18
How to build synthetic DNA and send it across the internet | Dan Gibson
How to build synthetic DNA and send it across the internet | Dan Gibson
NASA Goddard
2018-08-08 17:06
Two Research Vessels Leave for the Twilight Zone
Two Research Vessels Leave for the Twilight Zone
MrTeslonian
2018-08-08 17:03
How To Make -
How To Make - "Methyl Alcohol", "Bio-Crude Oil" and "Synthetic Natural Gas" at Home!
Big Think
2018-08-08 17:00
Art vs. science? The battle that never was | NASA's Michelle Thaller
Art vs. science? The battle that never was | NASA's Michelle Thaller
Austin Evans
2018-08-08 16:31
This Robot is ACTUALLY Cool...
This Robot is ACTUALLY Cool...
NASA Goddard
2018-08-08 16:09
A Story of Science and Friendship
A Story of Science and Friendship
The Royal Institution
2018-08-08 15:40
Q&A: Neurology and Epilepsy - with Suzanne O'Sullivan
Q&A: Neurology and Epilepsy - with Suzanne O'Sullivan
The Royal Institution
2018-08-08 15:40
The Neurobiology of Epilepsy - with Suzanne O’Sullivan
The Neurobiology of Epilepsy - with Suzanne O’Sullivan
The Verge
2018-08-08 15:00
Vector: Anki’s tiny robot that wants to hang
Vector: Anki’s tiny robot that wants to hang
Numberphile
2018-08-08 14:44
Last Cards Match - Numberphile
Last Cards Match - Numberphile
Android Authority
2018-08-08 13:00
Pixel 3 release date leaks - Fortnite comes to Samsung, NOT the Playstore
Pixel 3 release date leaks - Fortnite comes to Samsung, NOT the Playstore
TWiT Netcast Network
2018-08-08 01:56
The Best Camera for Travel
The Best Camera for Travel
CNET TV
2018-08-08 00:40
Samsung leaks Note 9 again (Alphabet City)
Samsung leaks Note 9 again (Alphabet City)
Electronics Engineering
2018-08-08 00:25
EEVblog #1113 - Is a $5 USB Soldering Iron Useful?
EEVblog #1113 - Is a $5 USB Soldering Iron Useful?
2018-08-07
Android Authority
2018-08-07 23:45
Android 9.0 Pie Overview - Everything you need to know!
Android 9.0 Pie Overview - Everything you need to know!
Mr Carlsons Lab
2018-08-07 23:39
600 Volt Tube Op Amp! Lets Power It Up.
600 Volt Tube Op Amp! Lets Power It Up.
Marques Brownlee
2018-08-07 23:05
The 2019 iPhone X Models!
The 2019 iPhone X Models!
Sci Show
2018-08-07 23:00
Why Do I Sweat So Much?
Why Do I Sweat So Much?
TEDTalks
2018-08-07 21:44
How farming could employ Africa's young workforce -- and help build peace | Kola Masha
How farming could employ Africa's young workforce -- and help build peace | Kola Masha
Linus Tech Tips
2018-08-07 20:56
Why is EVERYONE Buying This Sound Bar??
Why is EVERYONE Buying This Sound Bar??
Android Authority
2018-08-07 20:24
Computational photography will COMPLETELY revolutionize your smartphone camera
Computational photography will COMPLETELY revolutionize your smartphone camera
AweMeChannel
2018-08-07 19:00
Divine Axe Rhitta – The Seven Deadly Sins – MAN AT ARMS: REFORGED
Divine Axe Rhitta – The Seven Deadly Sins – MAN AT ARMS: REFORGED
Big Think
2018-08-07 17:00
Vaccine revolution: Curing Alzheimer's from the inside | Lou Reese
Vaccine revolution: Curing Alzheimer's from the inside | Lou Reese
Grant Thompson - "The King of Random"
2018-08-07 17:00
The Arm-Mounted Taser Flame Thrower
The Arm-Mounted Taser Flame Thrower
The Verge
2018-08-07 17:00
Microsoft Surface Go review: surprisingly good
Microsoft Surface Go review: surprisingly good
Austin Evans
2018-08-07 16:46
The World's Smallest Laptop Just Got Faster
The World's Smallest Laptop Just Got Faster
Tested
2018-08-07 16:00
Impressive LEGO Dystopian Monorail City!
Impressive LEGO Dystopian Monorail City!
Computerphile
2018-08-07 14:46
What Happens When I Press a Key? - Computerphile
What Happens When I Press a Key? - Computerphile
Tested
2018-08-07 09:08
American Idol Surprise - Still Untitled: The Adam Savage Project - 8/7/18
American Idol Surprise - Still Untitled: The Adam Savage Project - 8/7/18
BigcLiveDotCom
2018-08-07 03:17
Questions for the crew - of the Edinburgh Tattoo.
Questions for the crew - of the Edinburgh Tattoo.
MindYourDecisions
2018-08-07 01:39
A Puzzle Richard Feynman Missed? Can You Solve It?
A Puzzle Richard Feynman Missed? Can You Solve It?
brusspup
2018-08-07 01:07
7 Amazing Physics Gadgets!
7 Amazing Physics Gadgets!
2018-08-06
Electronics Engineering
2018-08-06 23:20
EEVblog #1111 - World's First Microcontroller & Electronic Game
EEVblog #1111 - World's First Microcontroller & Electronic Game
Linus Tech Tips
2018-08-06 20:56
Is LG Ditching OLED??
Is LG Ditching OLED??
I Like To Make Stuff
2018-08-06 17:00
Brazing // Bits
Brazing // Bits
Big Think
2018-08-06 17:00
How correcting for cognitive biases makes life more fair | Michael Li
How correcting for cognitive biases makes life more fair | Michael Li
TEDTalks
2018-08-06 16:33
The rapid growth of the Chinese internet -- and where it's headed | Gary Liu
The rapid growth of the Chinese internet -- and where it's headed | Gary Liu
NASA Goddard
2018-08-06 16:26
NASA’s TESS Catches a Comet
NASA’s TESS Catches a Comet
Tested
2018-08-06 16:00
Adam Savage's Totoro Meetup at Comic-Con!
Adam Savage's Totoro Meetup at Comic-Con!
The Verge
2018-08-06 15:00
We built the Home of the Future with Grant Imahara
We built the Home of the Future with Grant Imahara
CNET TV
2018-08-06 14:06
Augmented reality vs. virtual reality: AR and VR made clear
Augmented reality vs. virtual reality: AR and VR made clear
The Royal Institution
2018-08-06 12:11
The Golden Angle - Christmas Lectures with Ian Stewart
The Golden Angle - Christmas Lectures with Ian Stewart
TWiT Netcast Network
2018-08-06 08:16
Will Universal Basic Income Solve Our Problems?
Will Universal Basic Income Solve Our Problems?
BigcLiveDotCom
2018-08-06 05:31
Inside a waterproof LED colour changing light from BM homestores.
Inside a waterproof LED colour changing light from BM homestores.
Wranglestar
2018-08-06 00:47
Solo Ride - Wranglerstar
Solo Ride - Wranglerstar
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